Last night I had the scariest nightmare I have ever had in my whole entire life.

It basically encompassed all my fears into one dream.  I was in a dark building…  I remember being asleep in my parents bed in between them… like I was a little kid again… I saw my mom look out at the window at the moon and her eyes were so sad.  I remember thinking.. THIS is how she really feels… always.

Then I got up and started walking through this house… Amit was on one floor and he was talking to some people I didn’t recognize… There was a studio upstairs and the Dap Kings were recording a song… he said something about going up to see them and it felt like such a relief… such an escape from this dark building… Every floor felt like it had a heavy dark memory… I wanted to get away…

… Then my mom called me into another room.  I somehow knew she was responsible for making sure every one in that room was ok.  They all looked like strangers, they all had stupid problems, and I tried to tell her she shouldn’t care about them… They felt like such a burden and she couldn’t help being involved in helping them… The room was really bright… the lighting in that room felt expensive and materialistic and simple enough to not cause any pain.  It meant nothing and felt like a relief… She said I should go upstairs to check on my grandfather…

I followed the stairs into a dark attic and I found him kneeled by a bedside table… holding a phone up to his ear waiting for instructions… holding himself up with one hand … all I heard was a dial tone and he just stayed in the same position… waiting for something…

I picked him up and put him in bed.  He was wired with all these machines and then we were both waiting for instructions… he was trying to find a comfortable position to fall asleep in but he had trouble.  He wasn’t allowed to sleep on his stomach or his back… Just like me.  I was looking at him and I remember thinking… this is more pain than I have ever seen or felt in my life.  My heart felt like a rock… heavy in my chest… I was dying with him and I didn’t care..

I cried and cried in the dream and then I woke up gasping for air… tears all over my face… that dream… I couldn’t fall asleep again for a while… I wanted to snap out of it but a part of me couldn’t stop thinking that he feels this every day and I’m never with him … I left him alone… and for that… I deserve to have these terrible dreams all the time…

It’s Monday.  I’m at work.  Nothing has been able to snap me out of this feeling… I’ve had it ever since that dream… I feel shaken up…
I wish I was swimming in the ocean… I need something to wash this off…