These runs are not only keeping me sane but they are making me feel proud.

I ran in the park today.  The weather was way to perfect and I couldn’t bring myself to go into the gym and run on the treadmill.  It felt great although it was tiring and now I feel like I can pass out for 5 days… I’m so beyond tired…

I keep thinking about you and what u feel in there when I’m running.  Sometimes it feels like you’re sleeping or in a deep calm state… Sometimes it feels like you’re climbing into my right rib cage.  You seem to really like the right side and I sometimes have to get on all fours in the park and move u.  I’m sure we make it into a few people’s conversations later in the day.  It’s too interesting of a scene to ignore…

Today I thought about hugging you.  I thought about that amazing dream I had about u when u were crawling on the floor next to the bathroom and your father was in the kitchen cutting up salad and you had my phone and my CC with you in your hands and… I just curled up next to you on the floor and we fell asleep together… You smelled like home.

I can’t wait to hug you… I can’t wait to play u all the songs I love… I can’t wait to see your eyes … I can’t wait to see what they choose to focus on… And to see your father’s eyes when he looks at you… and… what will you create? … Who will u choose to be?  And who will you choose to let into your world… I can’t wait to show u the path I ran on when I didn’t know u yet… There’s so much I want to show u Z… And I know it won’t always be easy and I’m sure you’ll get mad at me from time to time… I’m sure I will make some bad decisions but I promise u I will try as hard as I can and I will remind myself to listen to you… and when I don’t listen I’ll try to bring myself back to this moment right here… where I would give ANYTHING to hear even one little thing that you have to say.

I’m a little scared.  You know… I have NO Idea what I’m doing.  I’m afraid of the things you’ll see about me that aren’t perfect… The moment u will realize I’m just a person.  That’s a tough thing to see about your parent.  I know it’s far away but it WILL come and when it does I hope u like what u see.  Imperfect as it may be….