I can’t believe I managed to get lost on a pencil straight road…

I made the wrong turn towards the end so my run was extended by 15 minutes which… wasn’t so bad at all… I think it was because we stopped at Dylan’s candy right before and I polished off a bag of sugar…. I was BUZZZING.

This run was amazing… I was FINALLY outside and it was FINALLY cool and the air was crisp and thin…. I loved every moment.  I got to come home to a warm shower while the sun was setting, Amit’s story about his barefoot run in the background, a short nap, and home made dinner…. (Thanks Dana, Andy, Kara, and Matthew)

What’s the deal??

The weather was amazing today – I was so excited to run outside.

I did.

And now I feel like a shriveled up, broken, torn up raisin….

Is running outdoors really that much harder than running on a treadmill? Maybe it is because I’m POOPED….

Was it the sun?

This is so disappointing because I was SO excited for the weather to get better so I can breath clean air and feel the sun… dammit… why am i so tired?

Maybe I just need to get used to this…

I’ve noticed this weird pattern this week of waking up with absolutely ZERO motivation to move and then all of a sudden finding myself on the treadmill and full of energy… running at a faster speed and not wanting to stop.  I actually could have run outside today but chose to run inside.  I know that sounds crazy after bitching about the treadmill for so long but honestly i have to pee every 3 seconds so I got nervous about being outside.. plus I was late… plus… I don’t know I was really half asleep and kind of sleep walked towards the gym on the 3rd floor….

I watched Regis and Kelly.

I thought about my job… I thought about how I just ended up at the treadmill for no reason.  Not because of what I wanted but because I was half asleep.  I compared that to my job… where am I?  Am I half asleep?

I felt so disapointed about the way things are going in my professional life when I woke up this morning… I want more.  I NEED more.  I’m the only one who can change that.  I know…

A second later I felt Amit kiss my cheek and I felt like a teenager who had a crush and woke up next to the guy she’s been looking at for months… how much more could I possibly love this guy?…   I smiled and then my heart dropped.  I  became completely overwhelmed with confusion about how one aspect of my life could be so perfect and amazing and the other be so… in the toilet…

I thought I was good at balance.

I woke up feeling like I hardly slept…. SO SO SO so so so Sooooooooo tired…. I just wanted to close my eyes again and crawl even deeper under the covers… I’ve never enjoyed sleep this much in my life…

I washed my face with freezing cold water… downed a coffee… headed to the gym on the 3rd floor… hmmm… what’s going to be on TV while I run today? I watched the kardashians… I thought about the fact that they are like 7 or 8 sisters… This woman went through this pregnancy thing 7-8 TIMES!! holy crap… owch…

The funny thing about my run this AM is that I felt like I could have continued running for another hour.  I was so tired but my legs just kept going, I felt light (I’m 122 LBS. – more than I’ve ever weighed in my life), and I didn’t want to stop.  I had no choice though… had a meeting in Chelsea at 10:30 AM… I hate when runs are cut short because of reality…

It’s hard to feel inspired when running inside.  Outside, I feel like I’m in my own world… the sun, snow, rain.. whatever hits my face reminds me that I’m just a tiny little human in a world so much bigger than me.  I feel like I belong out there… I feel like I can really see people and places when I’m running.  My brain feels like a well oiled machine and I just soak it all in….

Hopefully I’ll be back out there soon… It’s too humid these days… I can’t risk it.

Amit’s been taking a bunch of pictures lately.  He borrowed a camera from a friend and I love all these pix he’s been taking.  I think I’ve always just been intrigued by his perspective… Anyway he’s been experimenting with tilt-shift photography so he sent me this link below and every time I get a little stressed out or sad I watch it.  It makes me happy and I love watching this city from a different perspective…  Everything looks like a toy model because it was taken in tilt-shift mode.

It makes me wish I had a treadmill on a rooftop somewhere…  I just got in touch with the guy who manages these composers and I’m meeting him Friday… why? Because I love this song…

I got to run outside today.

GREAT.

…but seriously I was PISSED this AM.  I won’t go into too much detail but someone seriously wasted my time and there’s nothing more annoying than being pregnant and waking up early on a Saturday, which I do for NO ONE, just to find out I didn’t actually have a reason to.

I’ve completely lost my filter and I can’t even TRY to pretend not to be pissed when I am.

I was pissed and I didn’t pretend.

Anyway, as soon as that was over, I finally got my sneakers on around 2 pm and headed out to the park.  My feet have been swollen lately and I feel like they are loaded with water and salt and whatever else is in there that makes them look fat and old.  I also miss my sexy ankles.  I never thought they were sexy before.  Now I think they used to be sexy.

Side Note: Evian water tastes like French plastic.

I’m also pissed because I really want to get a massage EVERY day.  But every time I go I end up dropping around $140 and I’m too poor for that.

When I started running today, I was hoping it would calm me down but I didn’t really feel calm until I was in the middle of my post-run shower.  Blech…. Tight, stressful run.

I don’t feel so cute these days… I feel large and heavy but I’m guessing that my running has been keeping most of the aches and pains away.  I hear pretty terrible stories about foot cramps and lower back pains and acid reflux…  I think that once I’m into my run it sends this calmness flow through my body that I can’t get from anything else.  Not even sex (which by the way is CONTINUOUSLY incredible.  I will never be the same)

Speaking of sex… I found “The Rabbit” we bought about 2 years ago at Babe’s In Toyland in Amit’s drawer this AM and I turned on the power switch.  I’m not going to lie, this rotating penis was hypnotizing.  It seemed to have the perfect girth and all these shiny pearls at it’s base… and of course the vibrating rabbit ears that I cranked up to full speed… Amazing.  That thing is… amazing.  I can’t believe we haven’t tried it.  I can’t  imagine a guy feeling 100% threatened by that kind of toy – I mean… I’m guessing that penises are just not built to rotate in those angles… and if they did, ladies, we would probably be a lot calmer as a gender, but then again those penises probably wouldn’t make babies…

I’m just saying.

Anyway so it was pretty hot today and now I’m completely knocked out and laying on the couch with Amit flipping through channels.  I don’t think there’s any way in hell that I could get up.  I wonder what I’d do if someone offered me a million dollars.  Would I get up now? probably not.

Side note: I’ve been having second thoughts about my career.  I feel lost…

I ran on the treadmill today AND yesterday and I fucking hated it.  I feel like I’m running in a caged box and it’s so much worse after having had a few days in the breezy park.

I’m frustrated today… I’ve got too much on my mind.

I wish I had my own schedule and I wish I loved what I was doing every day.

I’m more excited about my family than anything else in my life right now and as much as that’s OK considering all the changes we are going through… I really want to have that thing that’s only mine… that thing I’m proud of that I do and support myself through.. It feels so far away… like it’s behind a glass door.  Why is it not IN my life? On this side of the door.

I can picture exactly what I want but somehow I don’t know the way there…

It feels like I’ve been doing everything wrong…

I can’t believe how much I want to just walk away from the world right now.  I have no patience for anyone or anything.  I care so LITTLE about most things that should really matter to me.

In the perfect dream I would be walking along a street in my life and everything behind me would just crumble into nothing.  I want everything that I’ve touched to disappear and I want to start all over again.

I want to move with Amit to a place I’ve never seen in the past and never talk to anyone I knew before I got there… so that I can have this baby in a place where I haven’t made mistakes yet…

First run back in the park! it felt so good… What a breeze and I LOVE expressions on peoples faces and the sun and different things to look at and fresh air!!! Yum!!! Best run in weeks! I’m so happy.

Running on a treadmill is like a meal replacement bar – there’s nothing really good about it but it does the job.

I hope it stays cool and that I get to do this all the way through…

We have a growth scan today at 3 – I’m nervous… Tomorrow we see Dr. Duek again and I’m so scared of what he’s going to say… What if he tells me not to run?



I’d like to refer to last night’s events as a slight hiccup.

It all started with an innocent attending of a Lamaze class which turned out to be really alarming experience just like everything else is these days.

I did a lot of breathing and listening and then we walked home and something took over my whole body and turned me into a monster. Its like… U know how u want to say something and u stop yourself because u turn your head away from the devil on one shoulder to the angel on the other shoulder who says something along the lines of “think before you talk.  You don’t mean what you’re about to say you’re just upset.  Don’t be a bitch”

Well I turned to the shoulder where the angel was supposed to be and saw AN EVEN BIGGER DEVIL RISING IN THE MIDST OF FLAMES who basically was like “FUUUUUCKKKKK the world!!! Make him feel as BAD as possible! He doesn’t care and he doesn’t care that he doesn’t care and no one gets you and no one ever will and no one loves u and you will raise this baby alone just like in your dream last night!! BURN THE ENEMY!!”

I don’t even remember half the things I said to Amit but I remember they weren’t so friendly and happy….

It all started because I didn’t feel her move that much this week and decided it was because she passed out and has this new condition I invented that causes grogginess for life (this was the best case scenario I managed to concoct in my mind).  I needed him to comfort me and I hated that I needed that…

After the screaming and crying for a while she started moving a LOT and I fell asleep (feeling calmer) with Amit’s hand on my belly exclaiming “Wow.  Amazing, she’s twisting and turning all over the place”.  What’s even more amazing is how he’s learned to tune out my craziness and just move on with the evening…

Anyway today’s run was mellow.  I saw the same dude at the gym and he looked like he was gearing up for another race.   Little did he know… I was totally over it.

I ripped that treadmill into shreds this morning.  I woke up after having slept a total of 5 hours I think… due partly, I’m sure, to yet another terrifying nightmare (WHERE are these coming from??)… and I went down there and took it all out on that endless black rotating belt.

FUCK THAT BELT.

Some dude was running next to me and I ran FASTER than him on purpose.  In my head we were racing the ultimate Olympic challenge of a lifetime and I turned around to him and said “That’s right bitch.  I’m a girl AND I’m 6 and a half months pregnant so how much of a pussy does that make YOU?”

I normally stop after about 20 minutes to stretch but NO – not this time.  That poor soul was going down.  I’m not sure why but he became the target of all my anger, frustration, and confusion… I directed it all at him and when he finally stopped before me and got off the treadmill huffing and puffing I felt a million times better.  My mission was complete.  That sucker LOST.

He turned around and smiled which led me to believe he knew we were racing… and the smile made him kind of a nice guy… so now I felt bad about directing these terrible angry thoughts at him.  I kept going for another 10 minutes and thought “Don’t cry.. just don’t cry.. don’t cry”

I went upstairs and Amit (who I woke up at 5 AM to shake the nightmare out of me so he kind of knew I was sleep deprived and a little “off” this morning) said a few things to make me feel better.  These things would work if I was normal today but I’m not so they didn’t… And I know he means it… And I know he wants me to feel better and hates watching me go through these crazy hormonal insane ups and downs… but I just can’t snap into feeling better after having a vivid nightmare about him being a sex addict who acts like David Duchovny in Californiacation… although I do love that character… he is kind of a mess but there’s something endearing about it… and they managed to work things out even though he was a sex addict… and that was real life not just a nightmare… Maybe not THAT real because it’s a show on Showtime… and come to think of it.. they actually didn’t work things out… so NO it’s not OK. And there’s no chance it will be. Ever.

I’m not going to try and figure out why I’m crazy right now.  I have too much to do today.

The End.

On one hand I’m thanking my lucky stars for still being able to run at 26 weeks on the OTHER hand I feel so terribly bad for myself having to run indoors and not breath fresh air in the morning….

TREADMILLS BLOW.

Last night we attended the “Infant CPR 101″ class which should have been called the “A million new reasons for you to panic 101″ class.  Every other word that came out of the instructor’s mouth was enough to fuel a brand new nightmare.

I’m trying to remain calm.  I’m thinking about the fact that I didn’t manage to kill myself as a kid and I take that as a good sign.

I ran this AM thinking about nothing but how tired I am.  It’s amazing how I have no profound thoughts these days… Just tired thoughts and thoughts about going to sleep again.  More sleep… I want more….  I’m not going to fight it.  I’m just going with it.  I think I can stand being boring for a minute or two.