Everyone knows that at some point in one’s first few years of life they should lose a finger.

Today we got lucky.

Today we ALMOST lost a finger in a metal door.

Zoey you were super brave and everyone at the ER fell in love with you (and called you a fashionista because of course u had one of your glorious ensembles on including pink faux fur and a tutu….)

After the X-ray I got you a pretzel… and of course we got in trouble for eating on the hospital bed (which makes no sense…)

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When we were finally done we ran home…

FDR —-> Manhattan Bridge —-> Tillary St —–> Flatbush —–> HOME

We sang a song the whole way.

We made it up.

I wanted to record it but my phone died… and when we got home we were singing it over and over again but then we forgot how it went and kept trying different melodies but it didn’t come back to us

The lyrics were: I wanna Hear you SING!  I wanna hear you SING!  I bet the whole wide world would love to hear you SING!!

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There’s a voice inside my head that’s always clear and lucid.  Reasonable and simple.  We all have it.  It’s that version of  ourselves that if we stuck to we’d never make mistakes, never say the wrong thing, never procrastinate.

It always knows the right thing to do and it’s always speaking to us on some level.

Every once in a while we even listen to it…

I love hills.

I never thought I’d say this but I do… My heart was pumping today… I did very little thinking.  I was breathing cold, clean, air… Thinking mostly about the stuffed spicy hot peppers I was going to make AND about the fact that I’m going to start doing yoga from time to time…

I came home to you Zoey and both you and Daddy gave me a huge smile… You two are my prize at the end of my run….

You ran up to me and grabbed my legs and hugged me, then you found this snack u love in  my bag and just planted yourself in between my legs on the kitchen floor, kicked back, and started chomping down on veggie straws…

Zoey.  I love you.  You are truly the sweetest kid.

Let me just say that Roosevelt Island is the creepiest place on earth.  I’ve never had so many old men in wheel chairs hit on me while smoking pot.  I actually don’t know what to make of it…

Side Note: Here’s what I’ve learned about he power of habit.  If you maintain something for long enough it becomes part of you… You start to miss it when its not there.  It’s actually so simple… So why is it so hard to do with certain things?  Why is running so easy for me? I think it’s because of the fact that I don’t need anyone or anything but myself to get results.  I see results within an hour and it requires no one but me.  I wish work was the same…

Zoey you’re so frekin cute… you were pretending to swim in the bathtub today…  You also busted into hysterics when I brushed your teeth this morning.  Your SIX half teeth.  You couldn’t stop laughing… cute bug.

I kept asking myself WHY I was running today.  I’ve been feeling so tired lately and my life has become all about Allister, Zoey, and Amit… I hardly ever see my friends and I’m spending most of my days alone…. but I don’t want to give up on this… There’s this distant voice in my mind saying “this is worth it.  Don’t stop”

So… I ran 5 miles on the west side highway again… Thought about some new story ideas… thought about Woodstock…

Running has been keeping me in check… keeping my mind at ease… leveling me out when I start to worry about the direction Allister is going and if it’s a bigger risk than I could handle… It’s been keeping me afloat these days.

Zoey you learned how to kiss the other day.  My mom taught you how to do it and it’s probably the best thing I’ve ever felt on my cheek.  See… that’s the funny thing.  The two people in my life who I get to see all the time are probably the best people in the world.  I’m not unhappy… I’m just not built for a life of solo activity… I miss my life when I was surrounded by people.  I have to get back to that again…

It’s hard to commit to anything but since I’m running every day I feel like I need to keep this record… I feel like I need to remember why I run and lately I feel like I forgot.

Zoey – you’re a little over a year now and you’re incredible.  I’ve been wanting to write to you for a while so I figure why not use these few minutes a day to just say some things to you?

I ran 5 miles today on the west side highway.

You’re at daycare every day between 10-5 pm.  I’m going to try and pick you up at 4 because I miss you too much during the day and I feel like I don’t get to see you enough.

I always wished my mom wrote down some stuff for me to read later in life so here it goes:

You look like you’re always thinking.

You look great in red.

You’re curious and you know what you want.  You need your space but you love when I kiss you.  I love hugging you so much and you love the feeling of being close which makes me so happy.

Sometimes you just put your cheek down on anything you see and pretend you’re about to fall asleep on it, it’s really cute.

Your hair is wild.  People stop us on the street and say you’re so frekin cute and that your hair is amazing.  You smile at them as if you know.

I’m working my ass off on a script for a pilot these days.  I’ve been creating this fantastical world in my head about a kid who I’d like to see inspire you sometime soon.  I feel guilty for spending time on Allister and time away from you…   I’m torn up about it but something inside me is telling me that if I just put my head down and keep moving forward our lives will be better in the near future.  I won’t have to count vacation days and I won’t have to have a nanny pick you up at daycare and we could travel the world together.  That’s what I want for us as a family… to own our lives and to make decisions based on us not anyone else…

Running these days is different.

I’m running about 50 minutes a day… around 5-6 miles (6 days per week)  and getting out there isn’t easy.  It’s been so long since I’ve written and so much has changed.  My brain has changed which is something I’ve never felt before.  I feel like my life is separated into everything that happened before Zoey and everything that’s happening now.

Let me start by saying that she is the most incredible person.  The most amazing thing I’ve ever done.  She’s fearless and looks at you with big brown eyes that make you feel like you know nothing compared to her.  She’s got the sweetest smile and sometimes the saddest gaze… She’s happy.  She knows what she wants… she laughs and everything feels amazing…

For some strange reason my chest has been tied up in knots.  I feel pressure the size of an elephant is sitting on my chest and holding me down.

Life doesn;t feel like it’s about me anymore.  Everything I do is to make this child’s life better.

As much as I believe that I chose this time in my life to risk it all and jump head in into something I know nothing about.

A part of me believes I’m doing this for Zoey… A part of me believes I’m doing this so that I don;t have to grow up.  A part of me believes I’m doing this because I was meant to.  A part of me feels that these stories and fairy tales have been living inside me for so long and longing to come out.  A  part of me needs to leave a mark.  A part of me wants to believe that life is a fairy tale… a part of me wants to prove to others that it is… a part of me wants to show Zoey that it is… a part of me never wants to take the subway again.. a part of me believes that … if you could find a way to get lost in a story… if you could somehow find meaning in it… it will set you free.  Even if just for a moment you will find a way to believe in all the things we are taught to not believe in,

Zoey… I want to show you the world.  I want to show you that you can dream things and make them real.. I want you to see that you are one of the lucky ones and to go on and teach other people that being happy is very possible.  I want you to keep fighting for what ever you believe in even if it means you’ll fight forever.

What we have at home is unbreakable.  Our family… The way your father dances with you.. the way he tells you stories about ordinary things…  He has a way of making everything special… a random moment on a tuesday morning..  the way he holds you and puts you to sleep and plays music for you… the songs I write for you… the independence we are teaching you to have…  the freedom we are trying to create for ourselves and you…. It’s all part of our desire to show you that life can be so fucking incredible… If you just insist on making it that way…

Life actually can be anything you want it to be… even if you are 34 and still trying to make some fairytale come alive…

I want you to believe this always and to believe in stories… and I want you to know that love can last forever because it can.  Look at Daddy and I.  We were kids when we met and we went through so many versions of “us”.  We didn;t know it would work… we just learned with time that being apart didn’t work…

In the end… things will work out.  If they feel like they aren’t working out – it just means it’s not the end…

I want you to look at me, every day, and see a happy person who’s creating something that will inspire people.  I want you to be inspired by it.  I want to always be awake enough to understand what you are trying to say to me… even when I’m old.

I used to run to feel good, to rid my brain of clutter, but mostly to look good in a bathing suit.

These days I’m running to remind myself that I’m alive.  I’m running to remind myself that life isn’t worth living once you forget what you’re meant to do.  I’m running to remember my dreams.. to remind myself of what I want to see come true.. I’m running to stay in shape so I can pick you up and chase after you even when you’re 20 and we’re being silly and playing around… I’m running for you Zo… and because I want to stay alive until the day I die.