I’m having trouble expressing how i feel right now because I’m not sure where to start… so fuck it.  I’ll start from the middle.

I’m nearing the 35th week and I just got back from a run in the park – I did about 50 minutes around the reservoir twice and to and from our apt…  Physically feeling like a rock star.  emotionally feeling like a used up rag.

I woke up this morning feeling completely invisible.  It’s hard to explain why but I feel like I’m just a “pregnant woman”.  That’s all I am.  I’m not me – I’m not Meirav.  I’m not a 33 year old woman.  I’m not someone who likes stuff and dislikes other stuff.  I’m not someone who has favorite things and wants to do something insane here and there (and by here and there I mean every fucking day).  I’m not someone who wants to get swept off my feet and romanced to no end and desperately desired and thought about endlessly.  I’m a “pregnant woman”.  I’m invisible.  The only thing that is not invisible about me is my belly.

If it weren’t for running I would have completely lost my mind through this process.  Something inside me is so fucking twisted… I go from happy to sad to angry to tired to happy in a matter of minutes and then it all gets wrapped up in this big giant blanket of fear based on the premise that I am completely losing my mind.

This mental state does not happen that often but when it does it feel like I will never be ok.  I end up just finding myself locked in a tight closet… every wall is a door that’s bolted shut.  There’s no where to go and no one to talk to and here I am.  Stuck.  With all these crazy hormones.  stuck.