Running these days is different.
I’m running about 50 minutes a day… around 5-6 miles (6 days per week) and getting out there isn’t easy. It’s been so long since I’ve written and so much has changed. My brain has changed which is something I’ve never felt before. I feel like my life is separated into everything that happened before Zoey and everything that’s happening now.
Let me start by saying that she is the most incredible person. The most amazing thing I’ve ever done. She’s fearless and looks at you with big brown eyes that make you feel like you know nothing compared to her. She’s got the sweetest smile and sometimes the saddest gaze… She’s happy. She knows what she wants… she laughs and everything feels amazing…
For some strange reason my chest has been tied up in knots. I feel pressure the size of an elephant is sitting on my chest and holding me down.
Life doesn;t feel like it’s about me anymore. Everything I do is to make this child’s life better.
As much as I believe that I chose this time in my life to risk it all and jump head in into something I know nothing about.
A part of me believes I’m doing this for Zoey… A part of me believes I’m doing this so that I don;t have to grow up. A part of me believes I’m doing this because I was meant to. A part of me feels that these stories and fairy tales have been living inside me for so long and longing to come out. A part of me needs to leave a mark. A part of me wants to believe that life is a fairy tale… a part of me wants to prove to others that it is… a part of me wants to show Zoey that it is… a part of me never wants to take the subway again.. a part of me believes that … if you could find a way to get lost in a story… if you could somehow find meaning in it… it will set you free. Even if just for a moment you will find a way to believe in all the things we are taught to not believe in,
Zoey… I want to show you the world. I want to show you that you can dream things and make them real.. I want you to see that you are one of the lucky ones and to go on and teach other people that being happy is very possible. I want you to keep fighting for what ever you believe in even if it means you’ll fight forever.
What we have at home is unbreakable. Our family… The way your father dances with you.. the way he tells you stories about ordinary things… He has a way of making everything special… a random moment on a tuesday morning.. the way he holds you and puts you to sleep and plays music for you… the songs I write for you… the independence we are teaching you to have… the freedom we are trying to create for ourselves and you…. It’s all part of our desire to show you that life can be so fucking incredible… If you just insist on making it that way…
Life actually can be anything you want it to be… even if you are 34 and still trying to make some fairytale come alive…
I want you to believe this always and to believe in stories… and I want you to know that love can last forever because it can. Look at Daddy and I. We were kids when we met and we went through so many versions of “us”. We didn;t know it would work… we just learned with time that being apart didn’t work…
In the end… things will work out. If they feel like they aren’t working out – it just means it’s not the end…
I want you to look at me, every day, and see a happy person who’s creating something that will inspire people. I want you to be inspired by it. I want to always be awake enough to understand what you are trying to say to me… even when I’m old.
I used to run to feel good, to rid my brain of clutter, but mostly to look good in a bathing suit.
These days I’m running to remind myself that I’m alive. I’m running to remind myself that life isn’t worth living once you forget what you’re meant to do. I’m running to remember my dreams.. to remind myself of what I want to see come true.. I’m running to stay in shape so I can pick you up and chase after you even when you’re 20 and we’re being silly and playing around… I’m running for you Zo… and because I want to stay alive until the day I die.
