My legs felt stronger than my head today.
It was colder than I thought and I ran in shorts and I pumped my arms and lapped someone who looked like a Nike endorsement. Couldn’t feel my legs after a while but i liked it. Got a bunch of looks because I guess its too cold for shorts…
I had a lot to think about. Today I actually thought with my head which i hate… I try not to ever do that when I’m running but there was just too much going on in there to swipe aside… I ran to feel numb today because I fought with someone I love (a lot) yesterday and it stressed me out.
There’s this incredibly unsettling feeling that only happens when I fight with certain people. Very few people matter enough, and when I say few i mean 2. It’s a similar feeling to getting lost in the supermarket when i was three. I used to wander off all the time because i loved wandering off, it felt good to be on my own until i couldn’t find my mom, and realized there’s a good chance that i may die alone in the frozen foods section.
Side Note: I remember my thoughts from when I was three, and four, and five, and six, etc etc. Its a weird, freak thing because now i remember absolutely nothing. Yet I can tell you where I was in my head at most given moments in my childhood. I used to make a point to remind myself (as a kid) to remember these things because I felt it would be important later on in life. That’s some creepy Dakota Fanning style brain action. Now I’m wondering if these memories are important or just interesting and cumbersome on the brain…
If i were given a choice I would rather keep fighting until a fight is DONE. I hate settling into the “time out I can’t take your shit for any longer now – I’ll get back to you” mode. Hate that mode.
I hate being wrong and I don’t think I’m a bitch but what if I am? I would like to believe that I can step outside myself and see other people’s perspectives but as it turns out someone doesn’t believe that’s necessarily the case. Could I be blind to all of this? Could i be completely consumed in my own thoughts and beliefs that I can’t see past myself? I don’t think so but I’m bad at defending my perspective on myself.
What if I’m one of those people who thinks I’m a good listener but doesn’t ever shut up?
Side Note: Those people are the worst.
Anyway… Thoughts… thoughts… thoughts… enough to have a carnival of thoughts in my head…
About year ago, I visited relatives out of the city. Naturally I asked where I could go running. They suggested the fields surrounding the village. It was late fall, and I set out to run early afternoon. It took some time to get to the fields, these things always look closer than they really are.
I ran for about an hour, it was so much fun being all alone that I didn’t notice the time. Suddenly it got dark, and I had little idea where I was. Add sounds of wild dogs and you get the picture.
I remember feeling lost for the first time in years, actually stressed not to find my way back. A primal fear, adrenaline pumping and all.
After about 20 minutes of wondering I found the highway and took the long way to the house.
Sometimes it’s important to get lost. It’s the only way to find your way back home. You always return different, and the relief of being back is as strong as the fear of being lost.
I get lost on my block. The relief of finding my way back home makes me feel different every time. Which contributes to my Schizophrenia.
I get lost in the kitchen.