WHY am I thinking about Dolphins? not sure… I just know I want to swim with them…
This is where I want to be:
I’m so frekin sick… I feel like I’m under water…
maybe that’s why I want to actually BE under water?
Today I was running like a stiff wooden board. My muscles felt like they were tied up in knots….I can’t tell u why. Maybe I haven’t really had a second to myself to focus on feeling calm. Even my runs feel a tad stressful these days…
I was thinking…
Why is it so hard to make time for the things we love? Why do we feel better about ourselves when we work hard rather than when we’re lazy and are just having fun? Why do people collect vacation days and take pride in not having used them all?
I have to force myself to relax.
I’ve never added “DO NOTHING” to my To Do list. Even though it’s so important to “DO NOTHING” from time to time.
I’m thinking it has a lot to do with switching gears…. When you’re stressed it’s easier to just stay stressed and wired and on edge. When you’re happy it’s easier to see the bright side of things… to feel unstoppable and powerful and unbreakable.
It’s hard to get sad when you’re happy and it’s hard to get happy when you’re sad.
Switching gears is such a bitch…
It’s rare that I find something that makes my ear’s head turn
(Wait. Is that a gross image or a cool play on words?)
I am listening to Mackintosh Braun non stop these days – my runs have been calmer… I feel better when I stretch… My mind is filled with hope these days…. I keep writing tons of new stuff.
Not sleeping great though…
Here – check this out:
We have a fancy reservation at NYU at noon today…. I am about to go for a short run on the treadmill…
I woke up this AM… not nervous anymore. Well… A little nervous I wont lie. But I’m going in there thinking I can take anything.
Instead of freaking out I’m going to list the things that are about to happen that I’m so HAPPY about:
1 – Meeting Zoey
2 – losing TEN POUNDS IN ONE DAY
3 – Drinking Tequila
4 – 4 weeks of NOT WORKING!
5 – Sleeping on my belly (in 3 hour increments… I know)
6 – I did it – I ran through these 9 months! I’m proud
7 – My husband has the cutest tushy I have ever seen
8 – My first run in 9 months not carrying a bowling ball
9 – SUSHI!!
10 – Skinny jeans
This entire pregnancy I’ve had one dream about Zoey. She was crawling around on the floor and i crawled up to her and smelled her… and I cuddled up next to her and we both fell asleep. You know how the smell of someone you love can literally change you inside? This was just like that except ten times stronger… I know it sounds funny but I can;t wait to know her smell and to feel her… I can’t wait to meet you little girl…
These runs are not only keeping me sane but they are making me feel proud.
I ran in the park today. The weather was way to perfect and I couldn’t bring myself to go into the gym and run on the treadmill. It felt great although it was tiring and now I feel like I can pass out for 5 days… I’m so beyond tired…
I keep thinking about you and what u feel in there when I’m running. Sometimes it feels like you’re sleeping or in a deep calm state… Sometimes it feels like you’re climbing into my right rib cage. You seem to really like the right side and I sometimes have to get on all fours in the park and move u. I’m sure we make it into a few people’s conversations later in the day. It’s too interesting of a scene to ignore…
Today I thought about hugging you. I thought about that amazing dream I had about u when u were crawling on the floor next to the bathroom and your father was in the kitchen cutting up salad and you had my phone and my CC with you in your hands and… I just curled up next to you on the floor and we fell asleep together… You smelled like home.
I can’t wait to hug you… I can’t wait to play u all the songs I love… I can’t wait to see your eyes … I can’t wait to see what they choose to focus on… And to see your father’s eyes when he looks at you… and… what will you create? … Who will u choose to be? And who will you choose to let into your world… I can’t wait to show u the path I ran on when I didn’t know u yet… There’s so much I want to show u Z… And I know it won’t always be easy and I’m sure you’ll get mad at me from time to time… I’m sure I will make some bad decisions but I promise u I will try as hard as I can and I will remind myself to listen to you… and when I don’t listen I’ll try to bring myself back to this moment right here… where I would give ANYTHING to hear even one little thing that you have to say.
I’m a little scared. You know… I have NO Idea what I’m doing. I’m afraid of the things you’ll see about me that aren’t perfect… The moment u will realize I’m just a person. That’s a tough thing to see about your parent. I know it’s far away but it WILL come and when it does I hope u like what u see. Imperfect as it may be….
Today was one of those days that even my husband looked at me as I zipped up my 5th layer and said “you’re just going out there?”
Flights have been CXLd today… schools have been closed down today… People forgot how to walk today… But I’m still running
After my run I thawed off in the subway and found myself staring at a poster of a family in bathing suits on the beach in Florida. I might have drooled a little at one point.
They happen to look totally retarded but I wasn’t really paying attention to that. They looked like the kind of family who would annoy the shit out of me on the beach but I still wouldn’t mind being there with them today… and feeling the sun hit my face. I would even share my fruit salad if they asked politely.
Instead… I got to feel my face burn in pain from the snow and wind – which, to be quite honest, was the only REAL drawback to today’s run…It was actually very beautiful out… The snow is magical…
HOWEVER… It was blowing into my face so hard at one point that I turned around and ran backwards for a few seconds so that I could catch my breath.
NYC squeezes the shit out of me in the winter. When I wake up in the morning and I feel like being squeezed I love this place and when I’m in the mood to just be tapped lightly i fucking hate it.
I’ve never been so torn… or felt so dysfunctional in a relationship. My relationship with NYC as a runner and as a person craving interaction with people who are as interesting as me has literally made me insane this winter…
I can’t stand the cold yet I can’t imagine living a slower life… I hate the giant buildings and constant noise yet I hate the quiet boring suburbs…I love my family being close by… yet i can’t stand my family being close by…
What to think.. who to blame… it always slips my mind to use my brain
Today was cold and windy and i ran in 5 layers… UGH… getting over a cold… but i had a bunch of MUD Coffee first and I shot out the door mid-day for a speed run.
I can’t help but sprinting after drinking MUD coffee – I think it has some sort of secret ingredient in it that makes my legs work better… It might have been the 2 shots of espresso i added to my cup….
I’m not too happy about my choices of cuisine lately… it’s been cold so I’ve been shoveling whatever is easiest to grab into my mouth. It’s weird how when it’s cold out my body craves heavy warm food which in fact does not actually make u warmer… whatever who cares – I’m too busy doing normal every day life to care…
I miss the sun. I chased it today through the streets…
Been feeling apathetic lately… I feel leveled out into some sort of apathy I’ve yet to experience… No reason in particular… I’m sure it’s a passing phase. I’m sure I’ll give a crap about something, sometime soon…
Great run… but it didn’t spark anything interesting in my head.
I have this strange pain in what I think might be my left hip bone… What’s that all about? Not sure but I took Advil and changed up my stride so that I don’t aggravate it.
Here’s what I realized (and knew forever but just didn’t act on seriously) when my diet is based on water and salad I can run ANY distance and feel great. I don’t wake up with a stomach ache, my muscles feel relaxed and ready for anything, I feel light, my body feels good and my mind is clear.
Fresh vegetables are my drug of choice and I need to make sure they are a serious staple in my diet forever. What a simple life-changing concept. Easy to follow so I have no excuse.
That’s it for today.