I had to take two days off in a row to get rid of this nagging injury in my leg… and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I realized how intense the hormone changes, back pains, and swollen feet can be without running and stretching regularly.

Today I thought about how much running is a part of my life.  It has become an inseparable piece of me.  I do it as routinely as I  take showers.  I can’t imagine life without it.  I’m happy I found my “thing”.

Wait… This is great… I found my “thing” AND I found the love of my life.  Now I just need independent wealth and financial freedom and I’m pretty much living the fairy tale life I always hoped for.  I have one more thing to do on my fairy tale checklist.  This is a pretty great place to be at 33

Ok.. Now let’s go back 2 days… This Saturday I thought I was going to lose my mind and/or kill myslef… I woke Amit up from a nap.  He looked beyond confused – he couldn’t even really react because he was so caught off guard.  He saw me crying.  I was in a downward spiral of misery in my head because… well… no reason.  Who needs a REASON?

Inside I was sort of laughing at myself but I couldn’t really laugh out loud because I was busy crying.  Doing both would only verify the intenseness of my insanity level these days and I think I should probably at least TRY to keep some of it to myself.

“Why are you crying? Says Amit

“sniff sniff” More tears come because he’s actually looking now which significantly increases the chances of me receiving some immediate sympathy… in the form of… a massage? perhaps?

My tiny river of tears turns into a somewhat of a stormy river accompanied by a slight whaling-type sound.. followed by a louder sniffle.

“There must be a reason you’re crying.  Are you scared?” Says Amit

“I’m crying because you fell asleep”

I pretty much got a blank stare as a reaction to that one.  I was hoping for less confusion.  More sympathy.  But who can blame the guy?

YES – I didn’t want him to fall asleep.  I wanted him to say I love you all evening while looking into my eyes and telling me that these feelings are just my hormones flying in a million directions and nothing else.  I wanted him to say a lot of other nice things like “We’re going to have a beautiful life together” or “You’re beautiful” or “you’re the love of my life baby” or “I forgot to tell you I created a special laser that will get rid of ANY stretch marks you might get within 24 hours of delivery”

These things would be nice to hear.  They would just make me feel neutral – not even good – just less suicidal.

I felt like someone tossed a bucket of black paint over my brain and I don’t give a FUCK that that’s “NORMAL”.  I don’t want black paint on my brain!

I was sad.  And when you’re so sad you don’t care about where its coming from because you’re just busy being it.

Anyway, I feel fine today.  This morning’s run was actually really refreshing even though it was on a treadmill in the basement gym in our building because it’s still hot as hell outside.

Amit stopped by the gym on his way out to the park and checked out my ass.  He said my stride is inspiring.  THAT’s a good example of something else he could have said on Saturday by the way.