The trouble with having had an eating disorder in the past and being pregnant is that no matter how “over it” I think I am, it will always find a way to creep back into my life when I feel like things are a little bit out of control.
I could probably sit here and write out a step by step process of why and how I feel it creeping back into my life because I’m really good at UNDERSTANDING where it comes from. I know that when I feel panic set in the only way of dealing with it is by denying myself food. Dealing with it emotionally is an entirely different story. One I can’t say I’ve mastered quite as well.
The funny thing about this blog is that during the last few months it has been a place for me to vent without worry of opinion and judgment but lately the more I talk to people the more I realize I actually have readers… Which sets my mind in two directions…
First i think I have to sensor what I’m thinking and saying and then I think… wait… maybe there’s someone out there who will actually hear my voice. in which case… why not be honest? Fully honest….
Where I’m going with all of this is that i know I’m struggling (mentally and physically) to put on this weight. I know I play it off as if it’s easy and I feel great and I truly am very excited about having this baby but sometimes… deep down I wonder if there’s going to be this moment… this tipping point… when getting BIG is going to really get to me.
I think I’ve been handling it well so far…. I’ve been (carefully) running every day and I’ve been eating healthy food and reading about what I should and shouldn’t eat and taking vitamins and letting myself indulge in cupcakes and ice cream from time to time… I’m trying to be as lighthearted as I can about it all.
I think that most of the time I actually AM ok. But from time to time this mind fuck of a disease sneaks back into my brain like a reoccurring nightmare that I’ve tried so hard to bury in the past…
I try to pretend it’s not an issue but when the panic sets in…. its there. It’s full blown… as if I’m still 85 LBS. and running around eating lettuce and drinking coffee.
This baby means the world to me. I feel more attached to her than I thought I ever would. I would die if I hurt her. It’s weird because when my body was mine and only mine I felt the EXACT opposite. Self destruction used to equal relief… But now it’s different… now its not about me….
I keep reminding myself that in reality I’m WAY past having this disorder. It’s over. I never want to go back there again. I never want to feel the way I felt when I didn’t eat. Till this day I’m entirely convinced that being anorexic is the loneliest disease you can ever get lost in. It forces you to shut out the world because being around people makes you eat, and food is the enemy.
I still remember spending full days in bed after a long run not having eaten anything but a Pure Protein power bar and water… and a few cigarettes of course… Jesus I came so close to causing permanent damage. I didn’t get my period for over a year…. I remember my friends and parents looking at me and just knowing they’ve lost me… I remember feeling so far away from them and the entire world and I remember feeling safe in that zone and thinking I liked it so much. I didn’t want it to change. I was elated. I felt more in control of everything than I ever have in my entire life. I was the ruler of my body, my emotions, and I kept everyone at bay… just far enough to know they couldn’t possibly hurt me.
I had no idea how MISERABLE i was. Anyone who told me to eat was immediately shut out…
It’s funny how Amit found a way to break through all that without even trying… maybe it was because he never actually told me to eat… he just forced me to be real… he saw through all my bullshit and I had a hard time lying to myself when I was around him… I remember once he massaged my forehead when I had a migraine.. This was a few years back during this time when I was still struggling every minute of every day to get OUT of it all. I said “Wow… is this magic?” I was half kidding but I sort of meant it… He said “It’s love” Just love…
I remember feeling like I lost my mind but being way too out of it to know what to do about it. The problem with being so underweight is that it actually effects your brain and so your judgement is shot. There’s no way to reason with yourself because you’re only half there…
That was where I was. I’ll never go back there.
This is depressing. I shouldn’t be feeling down. I’m past this… I’m just dealing with the aftermath which can get a little mentally messy from time to time…
writing this made me feel better. I just needed to get it out….
