Annoying.

Tricky to maneuver the timing of a mid-day run.

Couldn’t help it – I needed sleep this AM….

Whatever – I ran – got it out of the way.

I feel good…. I guess? Fuck this shit.. what am I doing? Who even CARES if I run?

“Where did this SPURT energy come from this AM???”  I was retracing my steps in the last 24 hours in my head as I breezed through my run on the treadmill…

I have a strong feeling that I should be attributing this to my new sandwich recipe… It’s slightly magical if I do say so myself.

I’ve coined my own version of Cinnamon toast.  I make it with this great busy-looking slice of Whole grain bread with 6 grams of fiber, The light version of “smart balance spread” enhanced with omega 3 fatty acids, a handful of Chia Seeds, and a sprinkling of Cinnamon.

It has become my favorite food on EARTH and when I toast it just right it’s better than a frosted cupcake.

Today’s run was EASY – I could have done more but I had no time plus I’ve been feeling EXHAUSTED after my runs lately so I didn’t want to get to work and pass out on my office floor.  I’ve also been drinking lots of water throughout my runs on the treadmill which is the one nice advantage of running indoors on a rotating belt…. BLECH…

Side note: I’m in love with a new artist who definitely played a roll in fueling my run – Marina and The Diamonds – Her stuff keeps getting better the more I listen to it… Here’s my favorite song:

I love this one too: 

The mid-day run is always tricky.

I have to time it right.

I have to make sure it doesn’t interrupt anything.

I have to spend the morning feeling groggy….

But when I get it right – it’s perfect.  Like… Now I have a late meeting and I’ll be totally awake for it as opposed to being dead tired and ready to pass out.

I could NOT wake up this AM.  I passed out around 11 PM last night after unpacking and cleaning up and I seriously felt like I sunk through the bed into the floor.  I felt so heavy and so tired… I wondered if I could sleep for a week.

Today’s run felt like I was sleep-running.  It didn’t feel good or bad just neutral.  I got a little cramp on my right side and of course panicked but then I stretched it out and felt OK.

I got a little happy kick when I was eating my salad for lunch.  I love when she responds to my putting something in my mouth…

Side note: The Relaxin hormone (which is continuously secreting a heroin-like effects on my entire body) is my favorite hormone ever.  It’s the best.  It takes care of my need to have a glass of wine at the end of the day and I love it.  I wish I could KEEP that hormone going for EVER.

I ran outside!!! WITH AMIT! It cooled down and we ran together and it was AWESOME!!

I LOVE to run outdoors.  I can stand the treadmill for now because I know I have to but seriously, fresh air and people and my feet taking me as fast or slow as I want is the BEST kind of run.

I was skeptical of not running alone but I forgot that running with Amit actually makes me feel great.  I love seeing him run and I love the fact that I always feel like he’s sending me good vibes without talking or caring how fast/ slow i go.

Great run.  One of my favorite runs with a bun!  I’m getting bigger… This is harder for sure but I feel her kicking me more which I LOVE.  It’s cute.  It feels like she has an opinion and little feet that kick with all their might…

Being away for a few days allowed me to regroup in my head and relax.  I love tuning out the world and feeling like I’m my own center.  It reminds me of what’s important and NONE of the important things have ANYTHING to do with a phone or email.  I also love when Amit is totally disconnected because I feel like we can actually look at the world together as oppose to separately diving into our mobile devices filled with opportunity and jokes and responsibilities.

I felt great after our run and I sat in the car on our way back to NY thinking…  “I can’t wait to meet you.  I can’t wait…”

Amit and I jumped into a car and drove to Montreal.  No planning no nothing.  Well… he booked a hotel.

So today I’m in a new city (YAY) and running on a treadmill (YUCK)!

One of my favorite things about running in a new city is the fact that I get such a unique perspective of the culture through my morning run… I get to know the streets and the runners and the way people dress and what they eat for breakfast…. ALL before I even start my day.

This time I stared at a breaking story about a school bus flipping over on CNN and a heel insert infomercial… awesome.  It’s still too hot out as I’m sure you’ve guessed.  I’m officially a lab rat.

Amit walked me to the gym and then went for a run along the water himself.  I can’t say I resent that.  It’s pretty awesome to see him running all the time.

I’m still on the treadmill and I’m kind of getting used to it and not caring that much…. I’m getting good at tuning out my external surroundings and just focusing on my thoughts.

Today’s run was fueled by Christina Perri – JAR OF HEARTS – listen:

I listened to it over and over again.  Not thinking about anything in particular… Just her voice and how it sounds like she means what she’s saying.

My job is to listen to music all day, every day, and after 10 years of doing that I find it hard to really feel inspired/ amazed by something.  But every once in a while someone writes a song that makes me go WOW.  I love the fact that when I listen to something I like I feel a little kick or two.  It’s really cute and it makes me feel like she’s saying “Hey not bad! I’m into this…”

I realized that getting up in the AM is the hardest thing these days.  Everyone keeps telling me that the 3rd trimester is when you get super tired and I’m definitely feeling it creeping up on me….

Side Note: Burgers are amazing.  I’m not talking about VEGGIE burgers, not HEALTHY burgers but REAL FATTY THICK BURGERS WITH BRIGHT ORANGE CHEESE ARE AMAZING.  I shared one with Amit last night and um… I think I left him like two bites.  I’m an animal.

Ok So I woke up this AM and felt like crap! I have a sore throat… possibly a fever… I’m HUGE… what else?

I somehow ended up on the treadmill after a strong (small) coffee and ran 45 minutes without even really thinking about anything… Kind of like a zombie…

These are days that make we wonder why I’m motivated to even do this… The heat is INSANE… it’s like a humid… gross spell…

Mentally I feel good today – getting lots of work stuff done so I feel productive… I need to get the fuck out of this city though… Need a break from this heat…

I had to take two days off in a row to get rid of this nagging injury in my leg… and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I realized how intense the hormone changes, back pains, and swollen feet can be without running and stretching regularly.

Today I thought about how much running is a part of my life.  It has become an inseparable piece of me.  I do it as routinely as I  take showers.  I can’t imagine life without it.  I’m happy I found my “thing”.

Wait… This is great… I found my “thing” AND I found the love of my life.  Now I just need independent wealth and financial freedom and I’m pretty much living the fairy tale life I always hoped for.  I have one more thing to do on my fairy tale checklist.  This is a pretty great place to be at 33

Ok.. Now let’s go back 2 days… This Saturday I thought I was going to lose my mind and/or kill myslef… I woke Amit up from a nap.  He looked beyond confused – he couldn’t even really react because he was so caught off guard.  He saw me crying.  I was in a downward spiral of misery in my head because… well… no reason.  Who needs a REASON?

Inside I was sort of laughing at myself but I couldn’t really laugh out loud because I was busy crying.  Doing both would only verify the intenseness of my insanity level these days and I think I should probably at least TRY to keep some of it to myself.

“Why are you crying? Says Amit

“sniff sniff” More tears come because he’s actually looking now which significantly increases the chances of me receiving some immediate sympathy… in the form of… a massage? perhaps?

My tiny river of tears turns into a somewhat of a stormy river accompanied by a slight whaling-type sound.. followed by a louder sniffle.

“There must be a reason you’re crying.  Are you scared?” Says Amit

“I’m crying because you fell asleep”

I pretty much got a blank stare as a reaction to that one.  I was hoping for less confusion.  More sympathy.  But who can blame the guy?

YES – I didn’t want him to fall asleep.  I wanted him to say I love you all evening while looking into my eyes and telling me that these feelings are just my hormones flying in a million directions and nothing else.  I wanted him to say a lot of other nice things like “We’re going to have a beautiful life together” or “You’re beautiful” or “you’re the love of my life baby” or “I forgot to tell you I created a special laser that will get rid of ANY stretch marks you might get within 24 hours of delivery”

These things would be nice to hear.  They would just make me feel neutral – not even good – just less suicidal.

I felt like someone tossed a bucket of black paint over my brain and I don’t give a FUCK that that’s “NORMAL”.  I don’t want black paint on my brain!

I was sad.  And when you’re so sad you don’t care about where its coming from because you’re just busy being it.

Anyway, I feel fine today.  This morning’s run was actually really refreshing even though it was on a treadmill in the basement gym in our building because it’s still hot as hell outside.

Amit stopped by the gym on his way out to the park and checked out my ass.  He said my stride is inspiring.  THAT’s a good example of something else he could have said on Saturday by the way.

After 30 minutes I thought I was going to die today.  I can tell I’m getting tired and bigger but she’s been kicking so I’m happy

I ended up running the full 45 minutes on a treadmill and I turned the lights off just to change the scenery up a bit.  Very exciting stuff.

I need a massage and another acupuncture session ASAP.

It’s still HOT like HELL and I’m still stuck on a treadmill but today my mind was NOT in the basement.  My run was incredible… I didn’t want to stop and I got really happy thinking about little Z and how she feels this surge of adrenaline too.

Last night I had Anne stick a bunch of needles into my legs and of course I cried with happiness as my body sunk into a state of complete bliss… I love that woman… She’s like an angel magician…

20 minutes and a bucket of happy tears later I left the acupuncture office and went to a party at Amit’s office on Perry street… Ate a great veggie sandwich… washed it down with tons of ice water… YUM.  I was on a high.

This morning I could not get out of bed but as soon as I got some coffee flowing through my veins and the new Sky Ferreira song I’m obsessed with (LISTEN: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byIHw4SmGic ) in my Ipod I skipped out the door into the … <GASP> Basement….

I blasted my music and pretended I wasn’t there.  In my head i went to a completely different place.  I thought up a perfect fantasy about publishing all my kids stories and my illustrations and traveling the world with Amit and little Z and running every morning through amazing new places and meeting new people and then i pictured running through amazing sunsets on the beach somewhere in the South of France (this is actually an excerpt of a real life experience… once I ran on the beach in this place called St. Jean De Luz… it was raining and warm and I could not believe how beautiful it was… GO THERE! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint-Jean-de-Luz )

I am fully aware that I know nothing about this parenting business yet but I think i figured out ONE important thing.  I’m going to be as happy for you as I possibly can little Z.  I will worry less for you and I’ll be kind to myself for you… I’ve already picked the best dad (<cough cough> Papa) you could ever possibly have… I’m on the right track.

I know life is always going to be hard on some days… I know I won’t always feel great… whether its chemical or just reality smacking me in the face with some bullshit… But I know that I can put it all in perspective and gracefully plug through it.  I’ll get better at catching myself when I’m down because this is what I want to teach you.  I want you to know that we can’t possibly control what life will bring but no matter what we will find a way to laugh about it.