This morning I took a vitamin and burped up a cloud of powder. It tasted like gun powder.
with extra poison in it.
I almost cried.
I slept until 8 AM because my husband is the best person on earth. It actually made all the difference in the world when I was running. I felt awake and energized and I breezed through 4 miles on the treadmill. I never thought I would say sleeping in meant sleeping till 8 AM….
This article is exactly how I feel about running – it’s all about getting back to our human basics..
Move Like A Baby
The run from my apartment to Prospect Park is about half a mile. It’s a STEEP hill and I’m usually huffing and puffing and wondering if I’m actually just running in place because that’s what it feels like. I hate it…
When I get to the park I’m usually in the opposite mood. It feels so good to run on leveled ground and I’m so happy to be outside and surrounded by trees and healthy people running/biking/walking/chasing their little kids.
I can honestly say that my daily runs have been saving me these days. Every morning I wake up and I want to either cry or scream. It’s hard to feel bad when you’re so fortunate. The hardest thing about it is that when you say it out loud people remind you of all the great things in your life that you should be happy about and then you just feel worse because…. “How could such a lucky person like me complain?”…
Well… I want to cry. I feel confused and scared and lost. I used to be so clear on my purpose and now I feel like every morning is a giant question mark. Sometimes I don’t even remember why I care so much about making what I’m making. What EXACTLY am I doing?? Did I throw away an awesome career that I worked so hard for? Did I make the biggest mistake?? Am I in the wrong place and is it all my fault for being so greedy and wanting so much? Why can’t I just be content with having a small job and a small life?
I don’t know the answer to any of these questions… The thing that’s even worse is that I have no idea who I can even ask.
I’m confused and I want to be clear and strong and accomplished.
I’m bringing another kid into this world and I want that kid to look at their mom and think “Wow… I want to do as much as her one day…”
But for now I just want to cry. I don’t want anyone to tell me it’s ok or that I’m lucky or that things are great. I already “KNOW” that.
Baby registries should offer “official tickets to cry”. That’s what a pregnant person needs. A ticket that does not expire and has no time limit and let’s you just cry until all the confusion and fear and uncertainty and “I feel like a fucking house” feelings are out and done and not tumbling around in your stomach and head.
Where’s my fucking ticket bitches?
I was so tired today… I don’t even know what made me get out there… I guess I’m glad I did?
I didn’t run today. I woke up at 6:30 AM with Zoey and when Amit woke up I went back to sleep from 9 am to 1:30 pm and seriously could have kept going… I had a root canal a few days ago and They gave me antibiotics which are kicking my ass.. Rough few days… I just want to sleep… and sleep… and sleep…
Today’s run sucked…
Never run on an full stomach when you’re pregnant. I ran at 4 pm after eating lunch (which I never do) and i seriously felt like I was going to puke until about 40 minutes into my run. It was the WORST. My leg felt like it was going to cramp up for the rest of my life and then I had two minutes to take a shower and hop on the subway to go get Zoey from school. I almost collapsed when we got home but ended up feeling much better an hour later…
I will never do that again…
The funny thing about a bad run is that even when it’s really bad it ends up being good later on. Around 8 pm I was feeling really relaxed and in the mood for a burger. And that’s exactly what we ordered (while watching “Orange is the New Black” of course).
This is my favorite burger spot in Park Slope: http://67burger.com/
I’m 26 weeks in and I can honestly say I feel kind of crazy… Both my mind and body are all over the place…
It felt really good to run on the Hudson this morning. It truly feels like home. It’s my sanity and a reminder that I’m hopelessly in love with Manhattan. Even though I live in Brooklyn I constantly make excuses to work from here and run from here anytime I can.
I’ve never been attached to a physical place. In fact I’ve always been the opposite. I aways felt 100% comfortable saying good bye to a neighborhood, an apartment, a community. I always liked the prospect of something new. But since I moved to Manhattan in 2000 I felt, for the first time in my life, that I found my true home.
I LIKE hearing sirens at 2 AM. I LIKE walking into a sea of people in the morning to get a cup of coffee. It makes me feel awake (which in no way means that I don’t need my red eye).
I may be hormonal or nostalgic… but I think I’m just in love…
My run was great even though I was so tired. I was dragging my feet at first but I got into it pretty quickly. It’s sunny and breezy outside and I’m still on my feet. trotting away. Sometimes I’m even bouncing away!!! I’m thankful for that.
I ordered lunch from Eva’s Restaurant on 8th street. I got an egg and cheese sandwich on whole wheat with a giant salad on the side. These guys seriously know how to do it.
I’m truly excited to meet you little one. So are Amit and Zoey. The cutest moments are when they both talk to you at the same time. I have the sweetest family in the world and they mean more to me than anything on this earth. Yet… Somehow my unresolved situation at work is taking over my brain and leaving me uneasy. I should be happy and excited and elated right? I’m not exactly in that place. I’m anxious and nervous and feel like I’m not being as productive as I could be. Every day feels like it’s time to make something of nothing and it’s draining… I’m in no way saying that I’m feeling hopeless. Hope is all I have. Hope and the things in my brain that turn into stories.
It’s all I drill into my head while I’m running… but if I could just have one thing that I’ve been working on see the light of day I think it would change my world… Just one… That’s all it would take for me to feel replenished. There will be more pushing after that. I know. And I’m 100% cool with pushing until i’m 90! I just need to hear a voice other than my own echo.