I didn’t run today… I couldn’t move… Spent the day on the couch after a tiny venture to the diner for breakfast with Amit and then a walk to Barnes and Noble.  I hardly slept last night… I was wired and manic and WAY to awake…
Lazy Sundays with Amit are the best….  We both spent the day on the couch watching movies and typing on our Blackberries and Laptops…. He pulled his back so we basically sounded like an old couple all day, moaning and groaning every time we get up from the couch to pee or eat…

I have a feeling that we won’t be able to do this for a while… I think I might miss it…

After running religiously for over 11 years I really forgot what its like to feel tired DURING a run.

Here and there, when I got back into running after being injured, I felt tired and my lung capacity was different… But somehow its not the same as what I’m going through now.

I actually have no idea where this drive is coming from at this point… I wake up in the morning and I just feel like there is not one thing I want to do besides go back to bed.

Massages are the best thing EVER these days but I don’t have the patience for a full body massage… I’ve been adding 40 minute leg and foot massages to my pedicures… Sometimes even just going for a foot massage and no pedi… The chicks at my favorite spot know me WELL.  They love when I walk in and drop $40-70 depending on what mood I’m in…

Its been raining these past few days… I have about 3 weeks left… I ran on the treadmill today… I was so damn tired… I thought about reducing my time to 30 minutes but then I was like “fuck this! I can do this”…

While I was running I watched a documentary type show called “Husbands who kill” … The focus seemed to be on husbands who kill their wives when they find out they are pregnant.  The reason being that it makes them feel trapped.  This show made me feel good about my husband because he hasn’t killed me yet.

I felt good about my life in general after watching this show.

I know one thing for sure.  I always feel physically and mentally better after running (unless I overdo it) It’s hard to get myself down there these days.. but I somehow have managed to keep doing it…

I’m afraid of postpardum depression and I think that running till the very end will decrease the chances of that happening… I could be making this up but I chose to believe it anyway…

Now all I’m thinking about is… How the hell am I going to pull myself together and make myself do this again tomorrow?…

Running has been harder than ever these days… I have zero motivation and all I can think about is sleeping…

I’m about to go down for a run and I don’t even know why… Wtf am I doing this for anyway? Oh yes… I’m doing it to feel a LITTLE better and a LITTLE less crazy….

I seriously don’t c the point in doing anything anymore (except for sleeping)… Even drinking bottled water is totally pointless because I pee 8 times an hour – I should just pour my water straight into the toilet… Save myself a step… And then go back to bed… I want to sleep more… Sleep… Sleep… Zzz….

I’ll finish writing when I’m back BLAH!!

45 min later…

I’m so happy I ran… It feels so good to not feel like a zombie… I’m actually energized by it and I feel more awake, less nausious, less annoyed at being so huge, and just so much better in general..

Its so hard to get out there these days and I’ve not experienced that feeling in YEARS… I always wake up and WANT to run…

I spent 2 hours reorganizing things and planning out my toiletries bag for the hospital bag.  I also hung a scarf rack and put up all my scarves and hats on it… I looked at some pictures… Thought about cribs… Ate a pop tart… Threw the bathroom mat in the laundry… Did some dishes… Cleaned out the fridge… Bought a cookie (fuck! I forgot it at home… Now I really want it) and drank my coffee… Did I say that already? Whatever who cares.

I am totally insane and my runs are pretty much the only sure thing I can rely on to anchor me through this mess…

Will I ever be the same?

I ran outside in the park today… It was way too beautiful to resist.

Been down in the last 4 days… On my way to this growth scan which always makes me nervous… don’t feel like explaining it though…

I had this woman actually run beside me today – she said “look at you!! Amazing! I was going to say ‘let’s race’ but then I realized u were pregnant”

She started asking me questions (How far do u run?  How far along are u?) which normally would have bothered the shit out of me… But this morning I just wanted her to keep talking…

This morning’s run was average.  Nothing good… Nothing bad…

I felt physically better than most days but just have this little bit of a grey cloud hovering over my head… Don’t know why… Just feeling low…

Its funny because work has actually been taking my mind off of things and that’s why I want to keep working until I’m ready to go to the hospital.  I don’t see the need to stop.

I’m trying to catch myself at certain moments… Trying not to say things I don’t mean or snap at people who walk into the subway too slow (what the FUCK is wrong with those people by the way… I mean – once u ENTER the train it doesn’t mean that the people behind u disappear!)

So… We have another growth scan that was scheduled a little early so that my OB can track the growth of her head.  The last measurements came in at the 6th percentile and.. What the fuck does that mean? I have no idea.  Small hats? Small brain?

I tried not to worry about it but tomorrow is our next growth scan and I’m scared… What if her head is too small? What does that MEAN???

Last night I had the scariest nightmare I have ever had in my whole entire life.

It basically encompassed all my fears into one dream.  I was in a dark building…  I remember being asleep in my parents bed in between them… like I was a little kid again… I saw my mom look out at the window at the moon and her eyes were so sad.  I remember thinking.. THIS is how she really feels… always.

Then I got up and started walking through this house… Amit was on one floor and he was talking to some people I didn’t recognize… There was a studio upstairs and the Dap Kings were recording a song… he said something about going up to see them and it felt like such a relief… such an escape from this dark building… Every floor felt like it had a heavy dark memory… I wanted to get away…

… Then my mom called me into another room.  I somehow knew she was responsible for making sure every one in that room was ok.  They all looked like strangers, they all had stupid problems, and I tried to tell her she shouldn’t care about them… They felt like such a burden and she couldn’t help being involved in helping them… The room was really bright… the lighting in that room felt expensive and materialistic and simple enough to not cause any pain.  It meant nothing and felt like a relief… She said I should go upstairs to check on my grandfather…

I followed the stairs into a dark attic and I found him kneeled by a bedside table… holding a phone up to his ear waiting for instructions… holding himself up with one hand … all I heard was a dial tone and he just stayed in the same position… waiting for something…

I picked him up and put him in bed.  He was wired with all these machines and then we were both waiting for instructions… he was trying to find a comfortable position to fall asleep in but he had trouble.  He wasn’t allowed to sleep on his stomach or his back… Just like me.  I was looking at him and I remember thinking… this is more pain than I have ever seen or felt in my life.  My heart felt like a rock… heavy in my chest… I was dying with him and I didn’t care..

I cried and cried in the dream and then I woke up gasping for air… tears all over my face… that dream… I couldn’t fall asleep again for a while… I wanted to snap out of it but a part of me couldn’t stop thinking that he feels this every day and I’m never with him … I left him alone… and for that… I deserve to have these terrible dreams all the time…

It’s Monday.  I’m at work.  Nothing has been able to snap me out of this feeling… I’ve had it ever since that dream… I feel shaken up…
I wish I was swimming in the ocean… I need something to wash this off…

I’m having trouble expressing how i feel right now because I’m not sure where to start… so fuck it.  I’ll start from the middle.

I’m nearing the 35th week and I just got back from a run in the park – I did about 50 minutes around the reservoir twice and to and from our apt…  Physically feeling like a rock star.  emotionally feeling like a used up rag.

I woke up this morning feeling completely invisible.  It’s hard to explain why but I feel like I’m just a “pregnant woman”.  That’s all I am.  I’m not me – I’m not Meirav.  I’m not a 33 year old woman.  I’m not someone who likes stuff and dislikes other stuff.  I’m not someone who has favorite things and wants to do something insane here and there (and by here and there I mean every fucking day).  I’m not someone who wants to get swept off my feet and romanced to no end and desperately desired and thought about endlessly.  I’m a “pregnant woman”.  I’m invisible.  The only thing that is not invisible about me is my belly.

If it weren’t for running I would have completely lost my mind through this process.  Something inside me is so fucking twisted… I go from happy to sad to angry to tired to happy in a matter of minutes and then it all gets wrapped up in this big giant blanket of fear based on the premise that I am completely losing my mind.

This mental state does not happen that often but when it does it feel like I will never be ok.  I end up just finding myself locked in a tight closet… every wall is a door that’s bolted shut.  There’s no where to go and no one to talk to and here I am.  Stuck.  With all these crazy hormones.  stuck.

I haven’t written in a long time and its not because I haven’t been running – I just haven’t Had the time or desire to write.  It’s weird.  I’ve been on auto-pilot lately and I feel kind of like a robot who just wakes up and knows what the right thing to do is… I’m sort of running in my sleep but on the days that I don’t feel I feel like crap.  I’ve used running to maintain my sanity.. like an anchor I’m holding onto for dear life and not really sure how or why… On certain days my body aches for a break and I find that on those days I suddenly find myself crying on Amit’s shoulder for no reason

I’m not sure how to recap the past few weeks in a few words so… Fuck it.  I won’t.

I’ll just tell u that I had an amazing run with Amit in the Hamptons on Saturday – ran for 40 min together to the beach and back.  At one point we both thought about how we were running with our family.  What a concept.  It really put a smile on my face…

Yesterday, on the other hand, was a disaster! WORST run of my life! It was a mid-day run… My stomach was still full from breakfast… I stopped about ten times around the central park loop… Ugh… Felt like crap through the entire run… Crampy and full and…
completely.
not.
good.
at all.

This morning I woke up and wanted to quit life – I didn’t want to wake up or to run or to do anything… I went to get a coffee with Amit and he did that TALK TALK TALK thing he does in the morning which can actually snap me out of a bad mood instantly (weather I’m instantly aware of it or not).

I ran on the treadmill and it felt good.  It felt better.  Everything is upside down.